put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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