the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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