Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
