apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
