Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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