Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
