Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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