So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
