how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
