at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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