A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
