I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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