you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
