I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
