one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
