theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
