Redeem this text for a blowjob
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
