I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
