The best revenge is premature balding
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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