Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
