my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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