Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
