Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
