Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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