sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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