My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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