Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
