oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
