I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
