If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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