I wannas sexs uuuuu
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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