i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
