I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
