New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
