So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
