ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Randomize
