so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
