I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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