News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize