I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I wish you could order shots online.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
