Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
