I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
