I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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