I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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