Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
love makes seman taste better
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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