Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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