I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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