Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
