This is not my ceiling
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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