Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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