I love black thongs
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
