I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
