the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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