Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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