If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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