we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize