You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I cockslap morals
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
