So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
