oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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