My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
