Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
They have beer where we have blood.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
