either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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